My Bible
by Gwen3
Summary: The Bible according to me. Updated version. More coming as soon as I read some more of the real Bible.
1. Default Chapter

There was darkness. And God said, this is no good. And so God resolved to make a decision after having much inner conflict within God's self, for, after all, was it not the week of Daylight Savings Time? and should one not be conserving energy? But by this point a deep darkness had fallen over nothingness, and God madeth up God's mind. And God reached out and God flipped on the light switch. And there was light.  
  
And there was much rejoicing. But it was all in God's mind, for there were no actual people yet. God was lazy and had not yet created the world.  
  
And then God's conscience spake up and it said unto God, God, you are lazy.  
  
And God said, I know, but I am too lazy to care.  
  
And then God's alternate personality spake up and God's alternate personality said, God, don't create anything. It will all turneth into a cosmic joke and all your friends will make fun of you. It's not worth it.  
  
And then, because God wished to spite God's alternate personality, whom God did not like very much, God thought. And the thinking was painful, and long, and somewhat boring. But eventually the thinking was done.  
  
And God said unto God's alternate personality, the number of one, I don't have any friends, and in place of the number of two, I don't like you, and in the number of five-  
  
And then God's alternate personality spake and said, three.  
  
And so God responded with the witty reply of, shut the hell up. And then God made the world. It was not, as could be supposed, for the sake of it's own beauty. It was for the sake of making God's alternate personality angry.  
  
So the world was created, and after God created it, God's alternate personality laughed at God and said unto God, now you have to take care of it.  
  
Before God could come up with a witty reply, God's alternate personality vanished from God's mind, leaving God annoyed and irresponsible.  
  
So God walked off from God's project, leaving it to it's own devices. And, through a miracle of evolution, humanity evolved from small tentacled creepy things that creeped after the manner of their creepy kind around in the ocean and then creeped around on the land after the conversion of CO2 to O2 by autotrophic organisms that made it possible for life to exist on land after an ozone layer was formed.  
  
And after billions of years had gone by, God cameth back to God's ill- begotten brainchild.  
  
And God looked down upon the elephants, and the creeping things, and the birds, which included but were not limited to bats, emus, and penguins, and the small number of humans.  
  
There were, God observed, not two of them, a nicely rounded number, but five-  
  
And then God's alternate personality said, three, nimrod.  
  
And God toldeth God's alternate personality to shut the hell up.  
  
And God's alternate personality said, make me, you ham.  
  
And God, just to show God's alternate personality that God meant business, knocked back a shot of hard liquor. God's alternate personality vanished and God got a pleasant buzz, and went back to the observation of humanity. All three of them.  
  
And there were two men, and one woman. And the woman was named Eve, the one man was named Adam, and Adam's best friend was named Steve, which pleaseth both the tongue and the ear when listed in conjunction with Eve, for both Eve and Steve rhyme after the manner of rhyming words.  
  
And God saw Steve deduce a marvelously ingenious method for making, out of the grapes of wrath and the kiwis of despair God had planted for the express purpose of making jams, delicious grape-kiwi wine coolers, which were then served in attractive little glass cups with kiwi slices on the side of the glass and just enough ice to make them a lovely temperature.  
  
And this angered God, for wine coolers looked like fun to God. And God was fond of alcohol, and God was fond of kiwis and of grapes, and so God went down to the earth.  
  
And God spake unto Adam, and unto Eve, and unto Steve.  
  
And God said, you know what, the five of you-  
  
And God's alternate personality spake unto God, and said, three.  
  
And God spake unto God's alternate personality in the manner of a severe schizophrenic who believes he or she has alternate personalities. And God said, shut the hell up.  
  
And God's alternate personality poked fun at the size of God's feet, and God became angered. And so God proceeded to involve God's self in a fistfight with God's alternate personality.  
  
And all of this was watched, and observed, and numerous other synonyms for the past tense of the verb to see, by Adam, and by Eve, and by Steve. And Adam, and Eve, and Steve, in the manner of those who watched, observed, and numerous other synonyms for the past tense of the verb to see, God beat God's self up. And in the manner of those who watch, and observe, and numerous other synonyms for the present tense of the verb to see, fights, especially fights after the manner of fistfights, began chanting paens of praise and glory to whomever seemed to be winning the mighty battle, and sangeth songs goading God and God's alternate personality to yet more violence and shouting of obscenitites often involving a lake of fire, brimstone, and/or sulfur or the size of one's possible sexual apparatus, apparti, apparatuses, or any other plural or singular synonym for the first word of apparatus.  
  
And Adam and Eve cheered for God, but Steve, in the manner of one who roots for the wrong football team, cheered and sangeth his songs for God's alternate personality.  
  
Unfortunately for Steve, God won out over God's alternate personality.  
  
God then did smite Steve with a flaming bolt of justice from the heavens, and Steve's mortal body did die, but his spirit did remain, and it did spake unto God and said, and God, was that not kind of unfair? I mean, all I have is a grape-kiwi wine cooler, but you have the whole flaming bolts of justice thing going on.  
  
And God's conscience spake unto God, and said, it was kind of immoral for you to kill him just for drinking alcohol.  
  
And God felteth a pang of remorse, but it was quickly smothered by God's wrath at being the last to know about wine coolers.  
  
And so God did spake unto Steve, and did so quite eloquently, having already thought of, memorized, and rehearsed the speech, and God did say, thou should hath praised me with paens of my glory whilst I wrestled with mine alternate personality. And thou should hath offered up to me delicious grape-kiwi wine coolers served in attractive little glass cups with kiwi slices on the side of the glass and just enough ice to make them a lovely temperature.  
  
And Steve spake unto God, and said, well, if you'd just told me you liked grape-kiwi wine coolers, I would have done those things.  
  
Silence! thundered God, for God did not approve of the use of logic, intelligence, or any other synonyms for the use of brainpower. And God spake unto Steve, and God said, I do not approve of the use of logic, intelligence, or any other synonyms for the use of brainpower!  
  
And God's alternate personality spake up, and said, through a rather painful split lip, that's just because you're a dumb arse.  
  
And so God was forced to reply with a witty phrase come up with on the spur of the moment, and it could not be only shut the hell up, for God now had to prove God's intelligence. And so God said unto God's alternate personality, why don't you just shut the damn hell up?  
  
And Steve spake up, and did say, isn't damn hell a little bit redundant?  
  
And there came a chorus of agreement with Steve from Adam, and from Eve, and from God's alternate personality, and from God's conscience, and from the elephants, and from the creepy creeping things that creepeth around in the ocean and on the land after the manner of their creeping kind, and from the bats, and from the emus, and from the penguins.  
  
And this angered God, and so God continued with God's rehearsed speech.  
  
And God said, and now, thou impotent and naked little arse, get thee gone from my sight, and get thy arse to hell, for I do not want thy shriveled sexual apparatus profaning the holy name of my kingdom.  
  
And then God's alternate personality spake up, and said unto God, there be no hell, for thou has yet to create it, because you're a lazy slang term for sexual apparatus, apparati, apparatuses, or any other synonyms, either plural or singular, for the first word of apparatus.  
  
And so God quickly did a rather shoddy job of creating hell, for hell consisted of only mildly uncomfortable padded chairs in an only mildly badly lit café with only mildly annoying talk shows alternating with only mildly annoying sitcoms on the television.  
  
And God then banished Steve to this only mildly undesirable place to spend eternity in.  
  
And then God reveled in God's evil and unfairness. And God's conscience shook God's conscience's head and disappeared for some time.  
  
And God's alternate personality vanished for some time, and God's life was swiftly becoming more and more fun.  
  
And then Adam and Eve did invite God to a party, followed by delicious grape-kiwi wine coolers.  
  
And God was indeed well pleased with the loud music and with the delicious grape-kiwi wine coolers.  
  
However, God was not indeed well pleased with the invitation, which was pink, and which was frilly, and which had lace and ribbons on it. God would have preferred maybe a red birthday cake, or perhaps a talking bulldozer card.  
  
And so God banished Adam from the place where Adam lived.  
  
For God had not yet named it, being too lazy.  
  
And so Eve did suggest the name the Garden of Eve.  
  
God, however, being rather drunk, did not correctly hear Eve's suggestion. And so God did name the place where Adam used to live the Garden of Eden.  
  
And then, as God was drunk, God did cometh unto Eve, and Eve did slap God full across God's face, and God did wax wrathful. And so God did banish Eve from the Garden of Eden where Adam used to live.  
  
And so Eve did flipeth a nearby penguin at God, and Eve did indignantly stalketh from the Garden of Eden in a sulky manner.  
  
And so God was indeed left alone in the Garden of Eden, save for the elephants, and for the creepy creeping things that creepeth around in the ocean and on the land after the manner of their creeping kind, and for the bats, and for the emus, and for the penguins, and for the other two voices that did rest within God's mind.  
  
And then God's alternate personality spake unto God, and God's alternate personality did say, for sooth thou art an idiot, for now thou art truly alone, save for the elephants, and for the creepy creeping things that creepeth around in the ocean and on the land after the manner of their creeping kind, and for the bats, and for the emus, and for the penguins. So I suppose you're not actually alone.  
  
And then God, who was lonely despite the fact that God was surrounded by the elephants, and by the creepy creeping things that creepeth around in the ocean and on the land after the manner of their creeping kind, and by the bats, and by the emus, and by the penguins, wenteh back to the heavens, and there God did reside for some time.  
  
And Adam and Eve were left to their own devices. And so Adam and Eve did make love every other Tuesday between ten post meridiem and eleven post meridiem, and did wake every morning at seven ante meridiem, and did eat at thirty minutes after. And they did have dinner at six post meridiem, and did retire to bed at half past nine post meridiem.  
  
And they did live in joy, and comfort, and numerous other synonyms for happiness.  
  
And then one fateful Tuesday night, at forty-five after ten post meridiem, Adam's sleeve did break, and Eve did conceive a child.  
  
And nine months later the child was born, and was observed to be a son. And Adam did suggest the name of Alex, but Eve did screameth at him and declared the son's name to be Cain. And then the same thing did happen all over again, and did result in Able.  
  
And Cain and Able did live, and did grow, and did prosper. And then one day, as Cain was working in the fields, Cain did come across Able being orally pleased by Cain's girlfriend. And Cain did shout, and yell, and numerous other synonyms for scream, and did spliteth Able's head open in the manner of an overripe cantaloupe with a rake, and Able's brains did spill upon the ground.  
  
And Cain did call his girlfriend a slut, and did dump her, and she did cry and run off to her older brother. And her older brother indeed was the leader of a tough gang, and they did pursue Cain unto the land of Nod and Cain did enter the land, and so escaped.  
  
And there Cain did enter a blind dating service, and eventually a woman did answer his pleas, and her name was Alex.  
  
And they were married, and Alex did bear a child, and it was a son. And he was named Enoch.  
  
And Cain did buildeth a city, and he did build it in the land of Nod, for that was where he lived. And Cain did want to name the city The City Of Cain, That Cain Built, but Alex his wife did screameth at him, and the city was so named Enoch.  
  
And the God did come down from heaven, and Cain spake unto God, and said, what do you want?  
  
And God did say, I want you to begin keeping a list of names, and it shall be blessed, and therefore shalt be holy.  
  
And the God's alternate personality spake unto God, and did say, that's only because you can't think of any names for the characters in the soap opera you're writing.  
  
And God did tell God's alternate personality to shut the hell up, and God did visit Cain's house, and God did drink grape-kiwi wine coolers.  
  
And then God did leave to work on God's soap opera, and Cain did rake his brain for names. And the list he came up with is as follows:  
  
Nimrod, and Bettle, and Shoe, and Cornwise, and Cereal Flakes, and Nut Cluster, and Almond, and Rznhsosl, and Oxhbacj, and Rumpelstiltskein, and Tqpmwil, and Ceikwyxaz, and Qpehuxzmc, and Xyz, and Zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba, and Bob.  
  
And Cain did show God his list, and God indeed was not well pleased.  
  
And God spake unto Cain, and did say, although the name Bob does please me and shall be blessed forever after, the rest of your list sucks and as your punishment you shall be stricken with a flaming bolt of justice from the heavens, and it shall burn you to a crunchy crisp in the manner of an overdone chicken wing and then you shall go to hell.  
  
And Cain did fall facedown upon the dirt, and did shake in the manner of a frightened little pansy. And Cain did plead with God, and said, please don't kill me and send me to hell. I'm not a creative person, but I tried my best.  
  
And God did ponder, and while God was pondering, Cain continued groveling in the dirt and did say, I have a wife and kids! They need me!  
  
And God, not knowing how much God would later heart that excuse, spake unto Cain and did say, this is a good way to get out of all responsibility for your actions like a frightened little pansy, Cain. And I shall bless this excuse, and I say that it shall live long and prosper. And you shall not burned to a crunchy crisp by a flaming bolt of justice from the heavens and sent to hell, save that you do something stupid in the future. But you shall be cursed, and your curse shall be this- 


	2. Chapter Two: Moses does enter

you shall write me a list of names, and these names shall be the names of your sons, and your sons' sons, and your sons' sons' sons, and so on and so forth until the end of time, Amen, etc., etc.  
  
And Cane was so overwhelmed with the conflicting emotions that he let out a high-pitched squeak, for horror at his curse, and for gratefulness at not being roasted like an overdone chicken wing.  
  
And God did hie back to the heavens, and Cane did get back to his home, and did set to work on a list, even as God did work on his soap opera, entitled, The Trying of Nut Cluster, for Nut Cluster was a low-level attorney who worked in a television court and often used hallucinogenic mushrooms and was involved in orgies. Nut Cluster wasn't a very good lawyer. It wasn't a very good soap opera either.  
  
And so Cane did write a list of names, and it was long, and it was bad.  
  
And so Cane did have more sons, and his sons had sons, and his sons' sons had sons, and so on and so forth until Noah was born, Amen.  
  
And Noah's list of ancestors is as follows: Nimrod, and Bettle, and Shoe, and Cornwise, and Cereal Flakes, and Nut Cluster, and Almond, and Rznhsosl, and Oxhbacj, and Rumpelstiltskien, and Tqpmwil, and Ceikwyxaz, and Qpehuxzmc, and Xyz, and Zyxwvutsrqpomnlkjihgfedcba, and Bob, and Dijwycv, and Craniumnus, and Cynobactite, and Djon, and Chelicerate, and Flamingo, and Quetzal, and Albatross, and Podus, and Monoantennae, and Aquallitis, and Gonorrhea, and Hemophiliciusite, and Cotyledon, and Extra Heavy Aluminum Foil, and Thylakoid, and Cuddles the Teddy Bear, and Salinizatious, and Aftereffects of Atomic Testing, and Viggo, and Nitrate, and Deuteromycota, and Crop Rotation, and Cycad, and then was Noah born.  
  
And God, angered at the suckiness of The Trying of Nut Cluster, decided to spontaneously destroy all of creation.  
  
This was revealed to Noah over delicious grape-kiwi wine coolers.  
  
And God spake unto Noah, and said, guess what?  
  
And Noah did guess, and it was incorrect, for his answer was, giant radioactive fluffy pink bunnies are procreating in my backyard?  
  
And God did say, no, and did take a sip of his delicious grape-kiwi wine cooler, and did say that God was planning to destroy all living organisms on earth.  
  
And Noah did protest, even as God's conscience did protest. And so God did relent. And God told Noah to build a boat and fill it with animals, and sail off into the sunset before God smote the earth.  
  
And so God smote the earth.  
  
And Noah did so, and the earth was repopulated.  
  
And so, once again, time passed.  
  
And so the repopulated populace did become more intelligent, and did build a tower to live in, and did speak to each other. The tower was called Babel, in the land of Shinar.  
  
But this did not please God, for if people had language, they would be able to write better soap operas than the Trying of Nut Cluster.  
  
So God knocked down the tower and made everybody stupid. And this is why soap operas suck.  
  
And God's conscience spake up and said, it wasn't very moral for you to make everybody idiots.  
  
And God said, don't worry, no harm will come of it.  
  
And God's alternate personality spake unto God, and did say, you're a dumb arse.  
  
And God did say, look, they're getting along perfectly!  
  
And both God's conscience and God's alternate personality spake in chorus, and did say, they're all killing each other!  
  
And God did shrug, and did say, oh well, and God went to work on God's soap opera.  
  
And so, once again, time passed. And most of what happened was so unrelated and inconsequential it won't be set down here. And the grass grew, and the mountains eroded, and the forests grew, and then were chopped down by people foraging for wood, and the animals, including, but not limited to, elephants, and creepy dreeping things that creepeth around in the oceans and on the land after the manner of their creeping kind, and bats, and emus, and penguins, and humans, had sex, which was fun, and then had children, which was not fun, and their children had children, and their children's children had children, and so on and so forth until Moses was born, Amen, etc., etc.  
  
Moses was born a child of Israel, whose name was actually Jacob. He changed it because Israel was much, much cooler than Jacob. And the Pharaoh, who was more than slightly paranoid and homicidal, did issue a decree that all male children of Israel be fed to the crocodiles. But Moses' mother did stick Moses in a basket and did chuck him into the river. And the wife of Pharaoh did pull him out. And since the child adoption laws were rather lax in the land of Egypt, she did make him her son.  
  
And Moses did grow and did follow in the Pharaoh's footsteps and kill somebody. And though the Pharaoh was very proud, Moses was horrified and ran screaming into the mountains in the manner of a frightened little pansy.  
  
And there Moses fulfilled his lifelong dream of being a domestic animal caretaker. And he dated the daughter of a domestic animal caretaker and did impregnate his girlfriend.  
  
When he found out that she was with child, Moses fled screaming further into the mountains in the manner of a frightened little girl. Eventually Moses entered a clearing.  
  
And in the clearing Moses did see an angel lighting fire to a bush for no apparent reason.  
  
And Moses did say, why are you burning the shrubbery?  
  
And the angel did not deign to answer but did knock Moses down and steal his shoes before flying away.  
  
And Moses did walk barefoot to the bush of fire. But as he did move to use his fire extinguisher, God's voice did issue forth from the bush.  
  
And God did say, don't put that out! An angel did light it, and it is blessed, and therefore it is holy.  
  
And Moses did pose the question of, why is a holy being flying around committing acts of arson?  
  
And God's alternate personality spake up, and did say, because he's a pyromaniac, that's why.  
  
And God did say, shut the hell up! Now Moses, I AM THE LORD! And you shall obey my every command whether you want to or not.  
  
And Moses did fall upon the ground and say, yes, my Lord.  
  
God did say, correct! I AM THE LORD!  
  
And God's alternate personality did say to Moses, in case you haven't notices, God's having an identity crisis.  
  
And God did say, shut the hell up! For I AM THE LORD! Now go tell your friends that.I AM THE LORD!  
  
And so Moses did run off, and did force his followers to believe in the Lord by using silly and inane nonlogic.  
  
And so God did come down from the heavens to oversee a meeting of the Israelites, where they would praise God.  
  
God was very excited because there would be a reading from God's holy soap opera.  
  
And the meeting did begin, and Moses did read from the holy soap opera.  
  
And Moses did read, I AM THE LORD, so sayeth our God.  
  
And several members of the congregation, caught up in holy rapture, did repeateth what he had said, and did shout, I AM THE LORD.  
  
And God did shout, blasphemy! And God merrily smote them with flaming bolts of justice, so that they were burned to ash in a matter of second with the time for only one agonized screech.  
  
And God's conscience did God's conscience's head to protest, but God did knock back a shot, and God's conscience, already depressed and feeble from many years of being ignored, did give a weak gasp and fall into a coma.  
  
More to come. Until then: "If one were to take the bible seriously, one would go mad.  
  
But to take the bible seriously, one must be already mad."  
  
--Aleister Crowley 


	3. Chaper Three: Wrath, and the Pharaoh

(AN: Wow.two years later, and I've got a page.er.sorry?.yeah)  
  
And God did proclaim to God's self, watching the Earth from heaven, that existence was boring, and contention the spice of life.  
  
And God's alternate personality did speak, and said, that's only because your TV is broken and there's nothing else to watch.  
  
And God did say, shut the hell up.  
  
And God did therefore proceed to harden the Pharaoh's heart against the people of Israel.  
  
And Pharaoh, who held the people of Israel in bondage but also provided a full coverage insurance plan, did cackle diabolically and proclaim a proclamation over the land.  
  
And Pharaoh did proclaimeth that from that moment hence, dental coverage would no longer be provided.  
  
And Moses did wax wrathful, and did complain to God in the manner of a whiny little civil servant.  
  
And Moses whineth, are the people of Israel not thine own people? and do the people of Israel not deserve to reap the benefits of a full coverage health plan, and do so without the evil influence of bureaucratic HMO's?  
  
And God did sayeth, okay. Go to Egypt, Moses, and perform magic tricks in front of the Pharaoh will pleading with him to let your people go.  
  
And Moses did sayeth, that's not what I wanted. There's no health insurance in a self-employed company.  
  
And God did say, shut the hell up and do what I said, for I AM THE LORD.  
  
And Moses did scampereth away, and did sit astride an ass, and did giggle at the word ass.  
  
And Moses did ride to Pharaoh's palace with his long-lost brother Aaron, and did seeketh audience with Pharaoh, and it was granted, etc., etc.  
  
Pharaoh did receiveth Moses, and did ask his former kin what was transpiring in the land of Israel.  
  
And Moses did respondeth with the perennial answer, nothing.  
  
And Moses did begineth an attempt to dazzle Pharaoh with many magical tricks. Moses did turneth his staff into a snake, and Pharaoh did not wonder at this transformation, but did snicker at the juvenile innuendo of the phrasing.  
  
And Pharaoh, mightily amused, did ask Moses what Moses did want.  
  
And Moses did say, we want full dental coverage.  
  
But God did worketh in Moses' mind, and did say, shut the hell up, for that's not what I said, and I AM THE LORD.  
  
And Moses did cringe, and did correcteth his speech, and did demand the Pharaoh let his people go.  
  
And Pharaoh, with God's mischievous wrath working in him, did answereth, no.  
  
And when Moses did persisteth, Pharaoh did mocketh Moses' God, and God did let it pass, so as to increase the escalating dramatic tension.  
  
And when Moses did persisteth yet again the next morning, Pharaoh did yet refuse.  
  
And God did put a script into Moses' head, and Moses did readeth in the manner of a newscaster with a teleprompter.  
  
And Moses saideth, if you do not let my people go, I will turn the water into blood.  
  
And Pharaoh did asketh, so?  
  
And ponder this (hopefully not for the next two years.urg): "Thank you, but I'm afraid I can't accept your compliment.  
You see, I'm an atheist, so if I'm also God, that would mean  
  
that I don't believe in myself, and at this point in my life,  
  
I don't need the added insecurity."  
  
-J. Michael Straczynski, the producer of Babylon 5,  
  
when a fan of Babylon 5 told Straczynski that he was  
God 


End file.
